Monday, May 18, 2009

“Casual Encounters” NSFW

There has been this new blog I’ve been following: Why Women Hate Men. It’s not as misandrinistic as it sounds. The blog is written by a man and features a lot of personal ads men have written, which are mostly sent in by alert women readers. The blog author publishes these personal ads and features his own commentary.

It is, without a doubt, the most stinking hilarious writing I have ever encountered. Some of these guys have absolutely no clue on how to attract women. It’s not even mildly poor judgment being used. It is a goddamn 80 car pileup during rush hour traffic – the kind that makes you stop in the middle of the freeway, get out of your car, and say, “Holy fucking shit! Is that an arm dangling over the overpass?”

I have giggled and read my way through all the entries on this blog, which has taken hours. Just ask Josh. I have literally been screeching with laughter in the bedroom, while he has held his hands over his ears in an attempt to concentrate on yet another impossible chemistry lab assignment.

Many of these ads have been sexual in nature and include a lot of acronyms I’m unaware of. Which has led me to ask Josh many questions over the past few days.

“Honey, what does NSA mean??”

“No strings attached.”

“What does D/D Free mean?”

“Drug and Disease Free.”

“Well what does DP mean?”

“Double penetration.”


“Use your imagination here.”

“Oh okay. Wait…PEOPLE DO THAT?”

I never knew I was so naïve.

I honestly thought personal ads were strictly for romance, so when I asked Josh where people were posting these D/D Free Seeking NSA DP ads, he directed me to Craig’s List “Casual Encounters.” I don’t really use Craig’s List, and I’m definitely not perusing the personal ads. So this was a whole new world that I never even knew existed.

I am amazed that you can specify the exact man/woman you want, detail the fantasy that you’re desiring, and WABAM! He or she is delivered to your door faster that you can order Chinese takeout. For free.

So it got me would I write such an ad, if I were single? What qualities would I want? How would I convince your typical oversexed Craig’s List male perusing through some casual sex ads that my ad, yes my ad, would be the one to respond to?

Some things are better left unexplored.

Adventurous SWF Seeking Wild Good Times

Just as the title says, I am an adventurous, gorgeous, single white female, 25 years old, looking to find a physically fit man for NSA fun. Age and race are not so much important as good chemistry is. Muscles, tattoos, and piercings are a PLUS!

Well actually, I guess I’m not that adventurous. I’m vanilla more than anything. But you know…there’s nothing wrong with vanilla. Baskin Robbins reports it as its most popular flavor ordered. Probably due to all those shitty ice cream cakes people seem to enjoy ordering.

I am a funny and classy woman who deserves to be treated with respect in bed. Therefore, I am NOT looking to be your bitch, slut, ho, cum dumpster, cock whore, sperm receptacle, or any other unoriginal, derogatory name your handicapped brain manages to come up with.

Either you can host, or I can host. If you host, please keep in mind that I will only get down and dirty in the cleanest, most orderly of habitats. I do not want to spend half of my time perched up on your kitchen counter, organizing your expired cans of soup while I spray a can of Raid at uninvited guests.

Actually, nevermind. I’ll host.

While we’re talking preferences, don’t go down on me. At least not until I meet you and have good look at your mouth. I don’t really know your dental hygiene habits, and I have this “thing” about clean, sparkly white teeth. There’s no polite way to ask if you floss twice a day, gargle mouthwash, and use a tongue scraper nightly. So I don’t think I’d be into that whole act right away. Or ever, depending upon how many tubes of toothpaste you don’t have.

I’m also not into acronyms either. So no DP, DVDA, MMF, MFF, MMMF, BDSM, or ATM…unless you’re referring to your latest bank withdrawal where you used some crisp twenties to buy me chocolates and flowers. I prefer imported Belgium chocolate and bright yellow roses.

Be a sensitive and intuitive lover to my needs, and I promise to reciprocate. Pounding away at me like it’s your last conjugal visit before going to the electric chair is only going to result in me staring at the ceiling, dreaming of Christopher Meloni, and wondering why the FUCK I ever thought posting a “Casual Encounters” ad on Craig’s List would result in anything more than a sweaty, catastrofuck of deadweight grunting on top of me.

You know what? Fuck it. I’m going to stay home with the cat and watch
Ron Popeil’s Showtime Rotisserie Hour while eating stale chicken taquitos from the shady deli down the street that keeps getting shut down by city health inspectors.

Because I guarantee that it will get me off faster than you could ever hope to.

Obviously, “Casual Encounters” is not for everyone.

So this would end up being my ad. What would your truthful ad say?